Assumptions

Don’t hear my past and think you have conjured up my story.

Don’t assume that when you look at me

you think you have summed up all that I am

Where I have been and what I have seen

Already you are limited.

Don’t grasp a few words and consider

that you have arrived at the complexity of the mind that holds me

The vision that pushes me forward, or the platform where I land my feet.

Take deep breaths before you word me, trying to console me

In thinking that you have reached some high place,

yet you have barely touched a chord on my instrument.

Everyone assumes, when I was here, or there

and still their memory grows faint of my walk and my talk

You, there I see still stuck on the what could have and what used to be

My elevation leaves you to wonder is she still

I confess, yes, I am still

Will remain, will press forward, will keep it moving

You, I will leave, holding what used to be of me,

what I can no longer carry

Yet, you weigh yourself down holding true to the former,

wondering can she still be?

Today, I choose to be the present thing that took my rightful place

That me that looks back for a glance and whispers……..

I have made more room, enlarging my territory

beyond the minimal and mediocre

I have expanded my space

This strengthens me to push it all away

and take one last breathing of you to say…….

you have been erased.

 

Me, Maestro

Only I am the Maestro of my melody

For no other arms can outstretch themselves to the soothing of my inner man

Only I am the Maestro of my masterpiece

No hand has been able to touch the cords that string my

course along

Only I am the Maestro of my journey

For no man has seen the heights of how deep

my song can go

Only I am the Maestro of my Melody

I sing me softly, gently awakening the soul.

Point to the Love of the Cross

Spiritual chastisement isn’t beneficial to a carnal heart and mind when the one who is spiritually bankrupt does not know they have broken God’s laws.  We live in a world where the love of Christ is being fed to us as judgment and condemnation instead of freedom from darkness, a sweet release.  Even in the wilderness when the children of Israel murmured and complained, God still fed them, He waited patiently for them to get use to eating from His hand. He didn’t baby them, but performed love over and over again. His example was love and patience. When you have seats full in your church with broken hearts and broken souls force feeding them God’s law won’t heal anything but cause spiritual rebellion, for then man in his carnal mind doesn’t see Jesus as a deliverer, but one who only came to judge and condemn.  How do we bring the love of Jesus into our spiritual walk, how do we walk out love in discipleship? I share this because the love of this world is what I had learned and mastered and I confess I need to know more and more the nature of God who is Love, who gave His only begotten Son in His worthiness and deep sense of love. I hear the message of man, but loves message of Christ, I hear less and less. Who will teach the love of Christ instead of chastising us under the covering of the word love? 

Holy Spirit in the name of Jesus I pray that the power and the spirit of love will build faith, hope, confidence and trust in those who don’t know love God’s wa, that we will be opened to hear and receive it with gladness and joy. Father we have fallen short of the delivery of your love, I pray for those, as well as myself who seek your nature in the body of Christ, but we fail for we are busy working but not loving.  I pray that the corrupted seed, work, labor, and perversion of the love of this world  that the enemy has set up a pedestal upon will hold no more the children of God. I pray that the handicapped soul that can’t receive the full knowledge and understanding of God’s love will be opened, busted through unto the bowels of man to know the heights, the depths, the length and width of the love of Christ. I pray that the message of the love of Christ will be preached to no end to draw men unto Christ, and then when love is completely understood the men and women of God will rise up with the sword of truth in Jesus name and walk out faith, power and love through the Holy Spirit.  Lord where there is lack fill us and where there is a thirsty soul crying out to you, send your Word that we may thirst no more. In Jesus name I pray Amen.

Spreading the Blessing

Rom 8:28And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose”.

No Random Act of Kindness

By: Misha Campos

How often would one consider that when God is working all things out, others who may not know Him personally are reaping the benefits also? There was an anonymous email sent once that stated “The Lord was working on the situation, he was working on the people involved and on future situations at the same time”. Sometimes as Christians we declare God’s word, seeking him to move in “our favor”. We may at times want to be patient, or hope that it happens immediately, especially when there are some pressing issues at hand. Yet, how often do we consider that you’re not the only one being shown favor in the midst of your circumstance? Because of God’s goodness and love people are strategically placed to perform His will. How often even in the storms of our lives do we think of others more highly than ourselves? Philippians 2:3 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Though the Lord will be given all the glory for what He will do, there are many things that will take place that shine the light on Him. We live in a world where kindness can be hard to find. Like such situations with bill collections, landlords, bosses and even selfish family members. Life can be overwhelming for us when such things arise. A loss of a job, home or divorce; just to name a few. We can often feel beaten down, not able to catch a break or feel alone to have to carry such weight by oneself. God meets us in these unfortunate events, but are they really unfortunate events? What if the storm one encounters has a greater purpose than just a primary test for the believer? How do others come to know Christ? Someone had to go forth and share the good news. We aren’t told all the time how people take that good news forward, we just know they take the good news. Do we ever consider what their life situation is like, whether they have jobs, a bill to be paid, or a personal trial? If such a statement can be made and realized; If such a statement can be made apart from selfishness and self-centeredness, “that God knows the situation, everyone involved and the future outcome”…. then we can rest assured that for those who love God all things are working together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. Though one can look at their situation, going to and fro seeking help or resources, though we walk by faith believing God to show up when we arrive and show us favor, it is no random act of kindness with the person we might meet up with that might just help out more than imagined; give in a way that was so unexpected or just say a kind gesture that would change the mood of the day. We not only know to give God glory, but by our behavior towards the present situation is a representation of the God we serve. The person that God strategically placed in your path, who might have cried out to God to see His love, see His grace, and see His goodness in a world where kindness is so dry like dead bones. We never may think to realize that the same people we are seeking help from, cried out not knowing what they were going to do themselves from life’s many struggles, but we can rejoice because we do know what to do, we pray to God.  If we hold to anything, we hold to hope, faith and love in Christ. We long to see God show up in our situations, circumstances, storms, trials and tribulations to pour out a word of encouragement, edification and lifting up, yet there are so many who don’t know the name of our God and what His son came to do. So, if we hold to this statement, “that God is working on the situation, everyone involved and the future outcome”, then we can admit that God is working in our favor and in the favor of those who may or may not know Christ, God has it all figured out and at best, we surely can’t do what He does. We all have to come to terms that we either work in the now, work with impatience, or work in a whirl. God on the other hand considers others more highly than us, for we have something amazing, we know Christ as our Savior, yet the one we encounter for the day might not know Him at all.

 

 

De-Pression

Depressed:

consumed by my fears, anxiety, confusion, walking towards the door, dressed and ready to go, but I can’t open it, sit back down, move, can’t, stuck. Ten thoughts, only wanting to execute one. Room spinning, nerves tied in a knot. Hungry, can’t eat. Losing weight, not trying to. Dazed, troubled, images distorted. Crying, eyes swollen, salt surrounding my eyelids. Sad nights, mornings want to be covered. Fatigue, breathe, nap, get up, sad again.

Grace:

strength, happiness, joy, courage, confidence, hope, faith, love, purpose, vision, dreams, prayer, fellowship, humility, self control, patience, kind, gentle, unstuck me,

Alive again!

Writing Challenge: Write about anything for ten minutes

Lately its just been a fog, yet, I can see exactly what is in front of me. My thoughts, my imagination. It seems as though the mist just takes it away. I run chasing after the grasp, wanting to hold tightly what should be contained neatly nestled in my page of wonders. I want to create, form and cultivate. I want to keep running non-stop and not worry that somehow, sooner than later I will lose the nerve to keep going. Each day is a task, a mystery of what will leap out of me. A great poem, a song, a story, a devotional, some insight into the greater dilemma hidden within. Is this all there is? No, there is so much more, not lurking but crying for dear life….”Let me live Misha” bring me to life. Pour me out, let me drain, let me seep, let me roll, let me out. Sometimes the weather changes, and the fog rolls away and the sun comes shining through. No need to put on any shades to hide the sun from penetrating my eyes. I want to see the brilliance of what is before me. Real life issues, concerns of the broken heart, the escapes of this life, the stories untold. There is much wonder in the breaking of day. Everyone sees with their eyes wide open, but on the surface seems like a better way of life then digging deeper. Surface is safe, surface doesn’t demand much, one can remain hidden. I have to go deeper, it is required, it is demanded, it is necessary, it is freedom……the latest breaking story.

My Gratitude

Thank you to all the WordPress bloggers who pass by my post every now and then. I want to extend my blessing in Jesus name, that you may prosper, be encouraged and lifted up for His glory. May you blossom and grow in all you seek God for in Jesus name. Amen. 

Your Beloved Sister in Christ 

Misha 

Heart Issue

Philippians 2:2-4 (NKJV) “fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

 

 

                                                                 “Heart Issue”

                                                                1 Corinthians 13

           

            I am guilty. I can honestly confess this today because the word of God says, in 1 John 1:8-9 “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  Due to this new heart that is in me, that has been mold and shaped by the Lord this past whole year, the Holy Spirit by faith and in spirit has shown me what the error of my ways have cost me and caused me to do not only in my past but often even today. I am surely without excuse.

Have you ever been hurt? So have I. Have you ever felt abandoned, neglected, slandered and offended? So have I. Have you ever justified treating someone badly or talking about them behind their backs? Speaking against them to someone else because of hurt and pain? So have I. Using someone else’s circumstance or sin to justify how you’ve grown from that stage of life or assume that you are without sin? Are we right in doing this? No, we are not. We may claim that we are not selfish or self–seeking, but let us examine truth and our hearts by God’s word, when we think of how one moment we can forgive and still not have kind words for those we have forgiven. We spend much time pondering the hurt of someone else, or even what we have done to ourselves and not consider that there is something greater we can do, we have the strength and ability to do it in Christ, yet, we just don’t do it. What can we do? We can bless.

I have been hurt through many stages of my life, not only as an abused child, a rebellious teenager, a lost adult, a single mother, a daughter and a sister and while living for the world as a lover. I have for years carried the baggage of hurt, frustration, anxiety, insecurities, turmoil, and hostility; furthermore, I have carried willingly unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, humiliation, outrage, pride and exasperation. What did any of this do for me?  It hardened my heart, not only towards myself, my family and life all together. It kept me and held me prisoner to live a life full of shame, guilt and sorrow. There was no happiness found in me. It made me look past the good in people with skepticism. For though there is much beauty God has created, I could only see the ugly, for its how I felt about myself. We don’t know at the moment this is how we feel about ourselves, but the word of God testifies this “Matthew 12:35 (MSG) “A good man’s speech reveals the rich treasures within him, An evil hearted man is filled with venom, and his speech reveals it.”  We not only have the tendency of poisoning others, we bypass the fact we ourselves have been poisoned. It is so sad the conditions of our hearts that all we can see is the worst in people instead of the Lord’s best that He poured out into them through His spirit when He created each and every man that walks upon this earth. We rather see the bad than the good, it’s our sinful nature to do so.

When there were moments I was treated kindly, within my mind it was a trick. Sooner or later, and this was hidden in my heart, I felt they would eventually fail me or hurt me. Trust, I had none, for I myself could not be trusted. What gripped me? Fear, Isolation, ruined relationships and solitude beyond loneliness. I too became a gossiper, a slanderer, a hypocrite and a hater, for where there is no love for myself or others, what is there? Would I have admitted it then, no, it was far easier to dig through someone else’s garbage than realize the stench of my own, not only in my heart within my being, but it began to permeate throughout my home. I have found that the solution to this issue is submission, humility and desiring earnestly to be changed by God, for of my own strength, my own wisdom and understanding I could not move in loving someone completely and for Christ, neither would I gain love for myself. Submission I have learned is to acquire, desire and be obedient to His way, soon we see the difference of who we use to be and what we become through the promises of God. (Jeremiah 29:11) (Deuteronomy 28).

I found it is one thing when someone abandons or slanders you, but it’s a whole other situation when you abandon and slander yourself. No desire to change is an absolute disregard for growth. I call this the non-caring attitude. The word of God tells us this is what children do. 1 Corinthians 13:11 (NKJV) “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” Glory to God, this is every reason why we are in need of a Savior, for God’s word leads us to the truth of the condition of our state of mind and hearts and as we search His Word we find His wisdom, knowledge and understanding is given freely. Yet, I find we have to receive it, in order to be changed and made new. It takes time to walk out of the past, but by the grace of God He remains close waiting to hold us up and comfort us. While I cried dire tears of pain and hurt from the past and present and desired for the Lord to take up my cause, I heard the Lord speak directly to me, “I see what has been done, but I want to work on you.”  When we have been hurt, abused or abandoned in life trust, submission and belief are weighed thin. In friendships, relationships and even towards family members. Even as a saved woman, it took me years to even trust God. All this happened because all I could see was the past and could never see the future God had for me. Never would I have thought I would come to a place where I could forgive with the strength of the Lord; that I would find courage to live, that I would have confidence to speak up and tell the truth about where I have been and with the Lord, where I am now.

Not only from my own speech, but from others I find that we bless and curse in the same breath. The same things we fell in love with them for and about them we begin to despise. We say we believe one thing, but speak against it just as quickly. There is power in the tongue that sets a foundation for life or death. The same people we forgive are the same ones we don’t encourage. We always find fault, or speak death over them. I know this may seem harsh, but it’s the truth. This is even more amazing when it comes to one of our family members or all. Whether it be a husband, a son, a daughter, a mother or a father, even our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ; we share with others their faults, their shortcomings, their unreasoning hearts or even their offenses towards us, and when the one we are sharing this with agrees and forms their own ill idea of them we become offended. We tend to feel we are the only ones that can speak against them, but forget that from our own tongues we have catapulted the result of our sin. We mare the image of them by what we speak behind their backs or even in their faces. We are not careful when we speak, we are not mindful of who we might be sharing this with. Yet, how much more our own accountability for sharing it in the first place. I find another thing to be true, there are those who will listen intently about your life, your problems and your issues but never reveal their own struggles with sin or this life. They never seem to struggle or strive. These are the ones quick to give advice they themselves neither live nor follow, tell you how you should walk, though they stumble in their faith, and in their disobedience to the Lord. Their words are mangled, distorted and twisted, spoken into your situation, what is shared is not from the spirit of God, but of themselves. Beware! For self-righteousness is hidden in us all and pride comes before the fall.

I am realizing today that from the past, for even yesterday is my past today I can, through the washing of the Word of God correct my wicked ways and repent and turn to God for deliverance, healing and correction. I truly believe that if we plant bad seeds, bad fruit will surely grow. But if we speak life, God is faithful and will pour out the living waters of heaven over us. We need more faith amen. Sometimes when we share our lives or our dissatisfaction with others, it can be used against us. We know the word tells us, “judge not, lest we be judged the same way.” This is so true. But, what happens when you share yesterday’s mistakes and are verbally lashed and judged today for it? No one person’s situation is the same, and again what we judge others for, we have offended the Lord ourselves. We cannot compare situations, each one is different and each one when we cry out to God is being made new for His glory. Again, why is it so hard to honor the goodness in others today, than reminding them of who they use to be yesterday?

I am blessed in all manner of things, when I can thank God for His chastisement, correction and conviction. I am blessed because I am no longer in denial, I want to be better for His glory. I just don’t want to be made well, I so want to be better. I don’t want to be fixed, I want to be made whole. I want a second chance, for I am confident today in the God I serve that He is a God of correction with undying love. What can I do different today than what I have done yesterday? Proverbs 21:23 (MSG) “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.”  I have the ability today in the newness of my heart and mind that is being transformed daily to speak life, not death. To bless and not curse, to consider someone else above myself for the sake of my soul and theirs as well. When we believe we are walking a straight line for the Lord we forget that though someone else might not be doing the same thing, we are not better than them. Why? For the same Jesus that loves us and has captivated us by His dying on the cross, died for them too. The same God that calls us His beloved, calls them beloved who have offended too. The same God who says He has a future, a purpose and plan for our lives, is the same God that has a future, purpose and plan for their lives as well.

I gathered, that in walking with the Lord it is not easy, but one thing I believe to be true that pain, challenge and the test can truly change us unto righteousness if we so seek it, desire it and cry out for it. We have to keep in mind that not everyone we come across out in the world or even within our faith in Jesus is a fan. We will meet opposition, we will encounter those who can’t stand the change in you and will even speak against it, while in the same breath they say they are encouraging you. The word of God says “be gentle as a dove, but as wise as a serpent.” By God’s word use discernment. Who is speaking into your life? Who do they listen to? We are not called to be fools, but submit in humility to what God desires to orchestrate in our lives to cause change for His glory. We fail to realize sometimes that God will allow certain people to pass through your lives, certain strife’s to arise in our homes and particular outcomes by faith to certain situations to mold and shape humility and submission to trusting He is in control and will work all things out for good. Even when it comes to ourselves, there are times we fight a battle with the old self. The one that enticed you and led you astray by your own desires. This same old self will speak against you, say you have failed, you are worthless, you are useless, and you’re unlovable and unseen.

Let me encourage you with the same words today I desire to encourage myself with I have not failed, for “I have accepted Christ and this is my blessed assurance.” Though I may have failed at some things in life, there is no failure in accepting Jesus. I am worth something great in the eyes of God for “He has created me wonderfully and fearfully.” “I am not useless for His gifts are being sharpened and prepared within my heart, mind, spirit and soul for His glory.” I am lovable, “For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten son, that whomsoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” “I am not unseen, for God’s watches over me and I can come boldly to His mercy seat because of the blood of Christ.” There is a living well springing up out of me for the glory of God, it is more the reason to continue pressing forward, no matter what I hear or what I see. Let us remember that such ill thoughts and words spoken against others and ourselves are lies from the father of lies we believed when we lived for ourselves out in the world. God thinks and believes highly of whom He has created, He is God and He does not fail nor does He make mistakes. “For His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways.”

I confess, that I too struggle with the fullness of believing God’s love for me, but I strive in prayer by faith to attain it, claim it and walk in it, yet, in the midst of doubt or uncertainty, I still see God’s hand upon me. How? I still want to be better in righteousness, in peace and in joy. I pray more, I cry more, I seek Him more, and in return “His comfort delights my soul.” I can’t find this in the world, I can’t find this in speaking against others, or even my family. I can’t find this in justifying my bad behavior or my slanderous ways. I can’t find this in comparing myself to others or disassociating myself from others to thinking highly of myself more than I ought to.

I find it in God’s word with such scriptures. Philippians 2:2-4, 4:8, Matthew 12:35, 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Proverbs 21:23. Here is where I get to hold tightly to the Word of God as it says in Psalms 119:11(NKJV) “Your word I have hidden in my heart that I might not sin against you.” And another Psalm 119:105 (NKJV) “Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.” 

Today I share from desiring to be changed and made new, to see the same glory of God touch the lives of all who call Him Savior. That we in declaring Christ can carry the banner of truth and separate ourselves from the mixture of self -righteousness and the Righteousness of God. The old heart cannot serve with the new. Let us remember that God’s word is for us to see who we were without Him and who we are becoming because of Christ Jesus. Today our only challenge is to believe and stand by faith. Amen.

 

Prayer:

Father God in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior I come before you, giving you glory, blessing your Holy name, lifting you on high Lord, for your thoughts and ways are above us all amen. Lord I pray for our souls and spirits to be changed in Jesus name by a blessing within your word that is called Chastisement, Correction and Conviction. I realize Lord that in all our mistakes and short comings Lord you could have left us in our previous condition, but glory unto your mercy, your grace, and your love towards us that Lord you want to make us new. You want us to lay ourselves down, our malice, our pain, our unforgiveness, our hurt, our own deceit, our manipulation, our deception and receive the gift of living a righteous life unto your glory. Father I pray that we can fully understand that words hurt others, as well as our actions. That having a hidden agenda when you call us to help someone is prideful and self-seeking. Help us to give ourselves away and think highly of others as you consider us in love unconditionally. Lord help us to see that because of our old heart condition and only looking at what has been done to us we make excuses for how we behave towards others and don’t realize they become casualties of what wars within us that really has nothing to do with them. Help us to speak words of edification, encouragement, and spiritual love, even when we are offended, insulted, rejected, abandoned or witnessed against falsely. Help us Lord to surrender our will for yours. Help us to move out the way and seek your way Lord, for you Lord are in control. Cover us Lord under your wings. Heal our brokenness, Deliver us from pain, habits, addictions, gossip, slander, deception and selfish gain. Help us Lord to confess what we try to hide from you, when we know you see all things. Help us Lord and give us more grace and more faith to seek you and to limit ourselves from speaking things we can’t do ourselves. Your word calls us to resolve within ourselves, before we seek to resolve someone else’s issues. Help us not to speak against one another, to bite one another or harm one another, but to pray, to bless, to encourage and edify. Help us Lord to trust you first above all things and to desire righteousness, wisdom, knowledge and understanding unto your Glory, for your Word says Lord when asked for, it is given liberally and abundantly. All Glory to you Lord God. For you love us, and love us more to challenge us, change us, test us, chastise us, convict us, and correct us. To showing us the condition of our hearts and how it affects those in our lives today. Thank you Father God for your Holy Spirit who searches our heart, our thoughts and our attitudes. Thank you Lord that you are strong to carry us in Jesus name I pray blessings and spiritual growth, maturity and enlightenment for all in Christ Jesus amen.  

Pain that Produces Fruit

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Active Testimony: Week 3

John 16: 21-22 – “A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish for joy that a human being has been born into the world. Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.”

 

“Pain that Produces Fruit”

                                                                                                                                                                               By: Misha Campos

            By the grace of God, I struggled this week wondering what I was going to share. I heard a sermon and the scripture that I shared above hit a high note with me and brought me to remembrance of how just a little over a year ago I went through a storm in my life that didn’t only wake me up to reality, didn’t only open my eyes to the condition of my heart as a Christian but taught me just even more how not to run, as I had always been the coward, (just never admitted it) but helped me to stand still and allow God to hold me and change me. This past year has been an amazing breakthrough. A challenge of my faith and an opportunity to watch God do an amazing thing with my heart and my spirit amen. Last year around April while attending a service at church God spoke a word to me that I could not escape. The title of the sermon that morning was “You have been Warned.” The message itself was about living in the past, holding on to anger, bitterness and unforgiveness and how it was not only destroying me but the people I claimed to love. In a nutshell I was ruining relationships/myself and either I needed to shape up or I was going to end up running once again right back into the world. (Now, let me share with you that four years prior to getting married I began praying to God to root up and pluck out all that was in me that was not of Him.) Within months from hearing that message I began seeking spiritual counseling, for it is what God spoke to my spirit to do, but soon after it seemed my marriage began to pose a greater challenge to hold on to and more strife was arising. During the time of this warning, I was newly married, but separated twice in less than a year of marriage. There was discord, refusal as a wife on my part to submit, refusal on my husband’s part to lead without his mother’s dictatorship and in-law interference that made me retreat and want to be separated from my husband. Then, after about a stretch of two months of being separated, my husband and I decided we should move forward in the marriage and reconcile, but when my husband came back home, he didn’t come back alone. By the leadership of the Holy Spirit, (for my husband would not confess) I discovered while separated my husband was having an affair with a female co-worker, a couple of weeks after finding that out, in spirit it was revealed she was pregnant, and my husband ran off while covering his tracks, but soon spilled the beans, simply because everything he wouldn’t tell me, I was telling him, for the Holy Spirit was revealing most of what my husband was doing. God is faithful, though I will admit I did not deserve such kindness. Amen. Now, as all this was revealed I became clinically depressed, could not sleep, could not eat. I cried when I awoke in the mornings, I cried in the afternoons and I cried in the evenings. I woke up to thoughts of my husband to the point I began to feel anxiety, soon after panic attacks set in, I lost 30lbs within two months and trips to the emergency room were frequent. Then one day I had a thought, well I could do the same to him, as what he has done to me. I could go back to using drugs, hanging out, eventually I will meet another man and I will forget about my husband. God showed me immediately the outcome of that idea and it was disastrous. Instead, I fell to my knees, surrendered to God’s will and took heed to His warning.

             For the first time I trusted God to work this out. I stopped searching my husband and began praying for God to search me. I began going into that secret place with God and just pouring out my heart, praying and worshipping. My tears flowed constantly for months, but in prayer I kept seeking God’s comfort. Then the strangest thing happened, my heart was overcome with peace to forgive myself, my husband and the woman. I began to pray for him to surrender to God, for He is an ordained Pastor, I began praying for the woman he was having an affair with, because in a dream I witnessed the miscarriage, which eventually happened. I prayed for her salvation in Jesus name. I remained in the presence of God until His word became life to me that He would not give me no more than I could bear. Though there were many times I desired God to see what was being done to me, not only through my husband’s actions, but his family’s as well, God kept telling me, “Yes, I know, and I see, but I want to work on you.” The past year I will admit gave me courage in the Lord to take a great step back from my husband and put God first, though I had one opposing sister in Christ who thought it was a bad idea, I had to listen to the majority and God was telling me to seek Him and His righteousness and so I did. Pain help me grow, the hurt help me confess, talk to God more and trust He knew what He was doing in my life. It helped me heal, forgive and sleep at night. The beautiful outcome of this tragic situation was I made a beautiful exchange. I prayed to the Lord to take my husband, I would lay him at his altar, I would not seek him of my own strength or intent, I would not harass him or demand answers, I would just trust God, but in return I wanted more of Christ. I wanted a new heart, a new mind, a new touch and a heart of complete forgiveness for my husband and myself. God answered the call. I will tell you it was not easy walking through, and as I have said before and will say it again I am not completely out of the woods. I still have emotional setbacks and withdrawals from the hurt of the separation but I still trust God to work it out. The amazing thing is within the last year, God does not speak to me much about my marriage, but one thing remains to be heard in my spirit, you are a married woman, continue to walk in integrity and dignity unto my glory. My marriage has not been reconciled, but God has allowed other things to happen in my life that I am grateful and thankful for each day. I am walking in a close relationship with my Father in Heaven because of Christ Jesus. He healed my wounded soul, (Psalm 34:18) He has shut the mouths of the lions and He has supplied all my needs. He allowed a dream of mine to come true and He continues to sustain me though I am 900 miles literally away from where I was a year ago. Though I will admit, it hurt like hell to see who I was and what I was walking in, and though it took away what I thought belonged to me, I thank God that He used whatever He did, for His glory to bring me right where I am today, resting in the arms of my God and waiting on Him patiently.

So, even when the clouds are forming in our lives, we know for a fact the sun is still shining. I confess and declare that I will remain in trusting the Lord, wait upon Him and speak His word over my life no matter what I see or hear amen.

Proverbs 3: 5, 6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” Amen and Amen.

(An excerpt from my journal entry on October 15, 2013, two months after my separation of marriage.)

So here I am going through the motions of delivering my flesh to die and my spirit to live.  I began to set time apart for 30 days in which I would not talk to any one for the sake of not hearing all the confusion coming out from my mouth.  As always it seems when the ship is going down we are destined and hell bent on taking someone down with us.  I don’t think we mean to do this intentionally, but honestly when we are miserable those around us and closest to us will suffer the whiff of the scent of sadness and despair, for it is what distinctively singles out misery.  In this time I was setting apart I was hoping that the Lord would reveal my heart to me and He did.  I don’t like what I see and I will say that there are times when we wish or desire to walk away from something on our own and wonder why maybe a month to two or maybe even years later it comes to resurface.  Basically the reason for such things is (1.) We didn’t pray about it and (2.) We sort to do things of our own accord.  I believe today because of what has resurfaced that it is Jesus that I need to show me the way and not me show my way to Jesus.  Jesus knows me already.  He knows what is hidden in me that I have yet to see or experience.  This is where I have failed to realize God’s saving Grace.  It lies in him and only him, for he knows me too well and I myself am a living witness to what I am capable of as a sinner.  I decided no more hiding, it is obvious that the nastiest of nasty has to truly be removed from my heart and that is by hearing constantly the Word of God and by his spirit applying it to my life.  I have as well, as many of us, been out in the world for so long and we have become attached to our sin and the comforts we have found in it.  We find it hard to let go of the past and what we have been taught, but if we just take a step everyday closer and closer to Jesus and his Word and what He has promised to give, His hope, then  I can say that I have chosen to live and die to my flesh.  I have learned as well that too many people speaking into your situation doesn’t benefit me or that person.  For the time that person took to tell me and show me their heart I have already made up my mind based on what was said what I would do with the topic at hand.  We don’t realize at times how we are influenced by the little words of a conversation and thus we jump further into confusion for we have mixed in the truth with the obvious standard opinion.  We have to wake up to the Word and make it a part of all we seek, even in advice Amen. I can confess that I am praying for something better to happen for me, that I may taste hope in this time of flesh rejecting and self- discovery in Christ.

 

Prayer:

May I be saved from myself Lord God? My actions, my sadness, my thought life, my anger, my bitterness, my past and my Soul.  I pray Jesus you will change me inside and out and cover me as I go on my way to desiring your word in my life.  I pray for my soul to be delivered from this world. In Jesus Name I pray this my Heavenly Father Amen.